Do not sway your arms too much. But do not keep them at your side. Do no pierce your right ear like others do. When you speak to men, do not use inflection. When you speak to a man, drop your voice lower and do not smile. Do not stare. If you blink, make sure it is only done less than three times in one minute. Do not let your speech end with vocal fry. When you dress in the morning, do not wear bright colors or patterns. When you dress in the morning, do not wear sweatpants.
When speaking to a woman, do not pick up on her mannerisms. Do not be too comfortable with her, but look like you know what you’re doing.
Grow a beard and keep it clean, but do not trim or shape too much. Do not shave your unibrow but do not let it grow. When your mother dies, do not shed tears. Let others’ tears soak your shoulder. When you drive, make sure to lean back and keep one hand on top of the steering wheel. When you look at your nails, do not extend your hand with your palm facing outward.
Do not laugh unless absolutely necessary. Do not end your texts with “lol”s or punctuation.
Never order a salad when you go out to eat. If you are making dinner, never use the oven. Always use the stove top (or better yet, the grill). Do not sing unless in church. When at a party, pretend you do not like to dance. Do not place your hands on your hips. Press them on a woman’s.
When you hear a racist joke, this is how you laugh.
When you hear a comical joke, this is how you laugh.
When you antagonize a boy, this is how you laugh.
When you call a girl a bitch, this is how you laugh.
When your mother calls and you are in a crowded room, do not answer.
When your father calls and you are in a crowded room, announce that he is calling and answer it in another room.
The only time you should write on paper is when filling out checks or checking off to-do lists. Drink your coffee hot and black. When another man orders a cappuccino, smirk.
Never roll your eyes. Do not eat too many vegetables. Announce your love of bacon on a weekly basis. When you announce something, throw your voice around the room to drown out the other speakers. When doing laundry, only use unscented detergent.
Pay a woman to do your laundry.
Use deodorant in steel-colored packaging.
When you’re walking, scratch your balls.
– Bryan Imke