Who is my God, that He maintains intimacy when I do not want to hear from Him?
I asked Her two days ago: Mother, why do you weep when I ask you to listen to my prayers?
She asked me why I was ashamed. If I could have looked her in the eyes, my fist would have flattened her nose. I was looking down at my prayers- stuck to the sides of my fingers- they didn’t know how to fall to the ground.
So I turned away and walked to my Brother, because we understood shame. We predicted it, we talked to it, we listened to it. The space between our fingers were threatened by our prayers; in fists we cursed each other. We tell each other that you cannot know Their love if you are…
Father, my Brother cut my hand off, I cannot show my face to you-
Why? he asks me,
I tell Him that it is because I cut both his hands off in his sleep- Father, what do you feel when I am ashamed of another person? My Brother loved me thinking my prayers were better on the ground than in my fists and I only saw what I wanted- the power in his hands. Is there love without shame? The prayers in my hands cursed my Brother, and now I cannot even hold him. How do you pray when I was only given the language to curse?
Mother, what is your ailment for shame? I am an ashamed people. When I do not want to hear from you- I want to hear from you. Is there a touch for the ashamed, a song that will heal the earth and the fists that it eats, the eyes that cannot look, and my Brother’s hands?
Who is my God that He weeps in response to me?