still racking my brains trying to figure out why weight loss is worship-worthy and weight gain isn’t? did i miss something or
or, why we talk about weather and weight: as if we could [dilute something that’s more beautiful when included by us rather than excluded into an abyss of judgment and shame…] or tame something that was never in our control.
if I am created to “proclaim resurrection”, then why does my body persecute the beauty of gaining weight? (why do I persecute our bodies for gaining weight?)
Why don’t we tell each other that “It is better to be skinny” so that we can realize how absent that statement is to reality (that I instead teach myself this phrase by praising you for “looking great” and “your gym membership has really paid off!” and “that small sweater looks so great on you [now]”). So that reality became years of closing my eyes, and imagining that a knife would cut off the sides of my body that I hated, instead of being the echoes of pain in my hungry stomach. In this reality, I taught myself that hating any space I occupied was a gift to be nurtured and passed on.
So I never taught myself to grieve. Because that would allow my body the space it was created to not only fill, but push and push and push. And somehow, the greatest pleasures in life (joy, peace, fellowship, etc) aren’t really empowered to grow within without knowing how to grieve, how to miss. I never missed the inches and inches of my skin that I flushed down the toilet, that I put in the mouths that said “you look great [now]”, “you’ve really been working out a lot, haven’t you?”, “you’ve blossomed since the last time I saw you!”- to feed them so I could tithe their/my comments to the honor of losing weight.
So I never doubted that it is unnatural to miss yourself.
And I never knew it was possible to miss yourself, to grieve continually, and find absolute joy in whatever weather.
I am learning that [our reality and] the nature of resurrection is to remind [our] space that its destiny is to grow.