I need your help.
I need your help to discern what to do with this heaviness that has attached itself to the side of my thoughts, my reactions, my stillness, and my decisions. I need your help because I am often barricaded between my fear of inflicting more pain and how beautifully limited I am.
How is it that you see pain?
And, why is it that when I see pain, I want to fix it? When someone inflicts a wrong, why do I first run to the victimized? Why do I continue to persecute those that inflict (including the persecution of my own self- even before I’ve even inflicted pain); and why is there a divide between the giver and the receiver?
There has to be a way, a system where we are no longer paralyzed by fear and pain- less, to be driven by it- and all the evil-doers (you and me and they) are empowered into a life of righteousness because-
Or… where the victimized (you and me and they) encounter healing within the seemingly unreachable parts of our hearts-
A system where rest is found in the assurance that justice is no longer the persecution of the heart, but the dwelling place of redemption.
The hollowed-out definition of “grace” is heavier and heavier on me. I move out of the understanding that whatever I do will inflict pain, and love will be withdrawn, and the purpose of my life will be shifted- even destroyed if I make one “bad”/”evil”/”undesirable”/”unworthy” decision. But, what if every decision I am ever capable of making is evil? But if I’m invested in what seems “good”, does that earn me redemption? Or does that continue to barricade me within the limits of my being and the crippling fear of inflicting more pain?
Why do we persecute each other? Why do we persecute ourselves?
If we are driven and thirsty for change to the point of sacrificing my/yours/their heart, then there must be a system that satisfies that thirst. That takes from within us the great responsibility of change: that understands that we are both inflictors of pain and victims, but delivers us into an understanding within the same depths that hold our pain, mercy also lies (dormant). There must be a system that empowers life-long healing: that allows our feet to kiss the earth, and anchors us to the heights of the universe.
In that case, would it be possible to enter into the pain-inflicted and victimized concept of grace that we have misused and allow for the barricade between mine/yours/their heart to be resurrected there? Resurrected by a partnership where my hands reach into your heart and your hands reach into mine: and we look at our pain, but we ask for the name of our hearts. And maybe the lord of our hearts would no longer be us, but the fellowship with the Nature from whom all these flow.
I think there’s more, so
I need your help.